Big Brother: Worst Final Three Ever 9 Sep 2010, 9:59 am

This show is not live.  There will be a laugh track later.  Add David Spade and you have an episode of Rules of Engagement.

Julie is wearing some kind of blue swishy thing.  I'm pretty sure it's just a swatch of cloth from Mood.  She's also looking very thin.

DANGER: FUEL LEVELS CRITICAL.   INITIATE BUFFET SEQUENCE.

It's "Day 68", which means that it could be Day 68 today or Day 68 when this was taped, I'm not sure.  Lane and Britney are in the nomination chairs, and Britney is looking hot as expected.  We'll soon find out who's heading to the jury, BUT FIRST!  Someone has to win the veto.

Lane and Hayden hang out in the HOH after Hayden's nomination ceremony.  Hayden tries to placate Lane and keep his options open by telling Lane just because he's up doesn't mean that he's got a Final Two deal with Enzo, even though he totally does.  There's some talk about how they have to get Britney out because the jury will vote for her to win.  After how delightfully bitchy she's been all season, I doubt it.  Lane admits that he doesn't want The Brigade to be the final three, since he has a better shot at going to the end with Hayden/Britney, and also because Britney has a personality and Enzo does not.

"Nicknames! Abbreviations!  Ethnic hand motions!  Let's pretend these things make me interesting!"

Enzo sits in the backyard with the Brigade and does his favorite thing, which is to talk a lot about how badly he wants to win before sucking spectacularly at everything ever.  "I feel like a Spatan going to war," Enzo says, just in case you were still wondering whether he's the type of guy who loves 300, which I had pretty much assumed, because it is (and I am not exaggerating about this) the gayest movie ever made.  Seriously, you could not make more latently homosexual movie if you tried.

Lane jokes about wanting to go shower but being unable to because he doesn't want to leave Hayden and Enzo alone (probably because he thinks they're going to watch 300 and gay out when he leaves).  "The plan has always been Final Three," Enzo says, even though the plan was always final four until it was convenient for them to change it.  "This is a storybook finish!" he shouts.  Yeah, if the storybook is Everyone Poops.

Later on Britney enters the HOH to work Hayden.  She talks about how each individual member of the jury hates her (mostly true, I'm not sure she has a shot at the end unless this show suddenly decides to grade on awesomeness).  She also thinks that Enzo will win unanimously because he played "an immaculate game".  Immaculate?  Really?  This guy?

I'm not sure you need to bother with that.

Veto competition.  It's the typical final four Veto competition involving house knowledge.  In this iteration, there are "movie posters" with the faces of two houseguests on each one, and there are facts on the top and bottom to match to the faces.

There is lots of needless exposition, just to make this more boring.  Literally, people are going "I knew that Annie was the Saboteur, so I found the Annie card and put it in the slot."  I'm...bored.

And hey, guess what?  Lane sucks at this competition.  I know you are shocked.  We are supposed to find this adorable, but I do not.

"The joke's on you for watching me all summer."

"This reminds me of the time I punched a dude in the face.  AREN'T I HILARIOUS?"

Hayden, to his credit, actually plays this competition very smartly, concentrating on the clues that only have one answer and narrowing the remainder down.  Enzo finishes placing cards and buzzes first, but he has an epic number wrong.

Britney was right, that IS immaculate.

And then Hayden wins the veto.  Britney, winded and unaware that she should be pooping herself, compliments Hayden for finishing so quickly.  I'm sure all women just want him to finish quickly, am I right?  ZING!

I'm really sorry about that.  It's just that this shit is mad boring and I have to amuse myself somehow.

That probably has Rachel and Brendon fluids on it.  Evel Dick touched it at one point.  Just saying.

After the veto competition, the fellas sit around in the kitchen and decide that it's time to tell Britney about The Brigade.  Lane doesn't want to tell her because he knows she'll be mad.  "She's my only vote!" he says timidly, and Hayden and Enzo laugh at him like this matters, since he won't be in the Final Two anyway.  Lane gets overruled and Britney will be notified of the Brigade's existence tonight.

The way they're going to do it, however, is super creepy and stupid.  Because they're cowardly and lame, even when they've already won, Enzo and Lane sit up in the HOH room and dance around their alliance, asking Britney whether she thought there were alliances and generally being gross to her.  Enzo says he had an alliance with someone, and when Britney guesses Matt, Enzo confirms it.  "You turned on him then!" she scoffs.  "Who else, Lane?" Enzo asks uncomfortably while Britney fidgets and bites her nails.  Seriously, quit being a dick, Enzo.  Just tell her.

"We gave ourselves a nickname and everything, it was called The Brigade," Enzo continues, finally getting to the point as Hayden enters and they tell him that they gave Britney the news.  "So, I'm definitely going home is that what you're saying?" Britney asks. "Well, I'm not gonna use the veto," Hayden answers, because he's a pussy too and can't even tell her directlythat she's going home after it's been revealed that he's in an alliance. God, these three are the worst.  One week of this left, you guys.

Britney starts to cry immediately.  "Would you rather we hadn't told you?" they ask. "No, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck," Britney answers.

"The last thing I want to do is make you sad or make you cry," Enzo says, which is a lie or he wouldn't have strung it out for so long and acted like such a dick.  This is exactly what he wanted, because he gets to pretend to be smart for five minutes.

Tool.

Britney starts bawling and runs for the door, and I feel immediately sorry for her, and not just because I think she's awesome.  "How does it feel to know that you just wasted three months?  I left my fiance, and my family," she blurts through tears.

"I just got completely played!" she whimpers in the Diary Room.  "I just look stupid.  Lane's been lying to me the whole time.  Lane's not my friend.  All I am is just another idiot who's a part of his bigger scheme."  Yeah, I'm not sure Lane and the word "scheme" belong in a sentence together.

To Lane's credit, he heads downstairs to check on her even though he compares Britney crying to one of his "good dogs dying".  You heard it here first: Lane's a dolt.

Lane: "Are you mad at me?"

Britney:"Yeah."

Lane: "I just want you to know that I really value your friendship, but not enough to actually stick my neck out or do anything to save you or try at all in any competitions.  Good night!"

We know.  It's terrible.

After the commercials, it's time for the "live" Veto meeting.  Hayden doesn't use it, so now Enzo has to cast the sole vote to evict, but not before Lane and Britney get to say a few words.  Lane gets to go first and he calls Enzo "the funniest cat he's ever met", which means he must not have met very many people.  He also calls Britney "the kindest lady he's ever met" which is dumb.  Lady?  Who uses that term, especially on a twenty-one year old?

Britney starts to cry, says hello to her family and tells everyone that she's proud to be "a casualty of the Brigade".  That's just gross.  You know what else there is to be proud of besides being a casualty of The Brigade?  EVERYTHING.

Enzo takes a million years to vote Britney out, yapping at length until I black out.  The audience cheers loudly for Britney as she exits, because she is awesome and wonderful. As she mics up for her interview we check back in on the house.  Looks like we'll be watching these three boring assholes for the next week until this season is mercifully, finally over. There's not even anyone to root for.  Worst final three ever?  Worst final three ever.

ONE! WEEK! LEFT! ONE! WEEK! LEFT!

Julie asks her how she felt when The Brigade was revealed. says that the reveal of the Brigade is the worst days he's had in the house.  Julie asks the question that's been on our minds all summer: why the hell didn't she do anything about The Brigade?  Britney answers honestly, saying that she kind of felt like she was one of them.  She knew that they were working together, but she thought she was a part of the group, essentially.  That's kind of...sad.  I feel bad for her, you guys.  Let's give her twenty-five thousand dollars!  Can we?  PLEASE?  And don't vote for Brendon.  I'm looking at you, lonely, middle-aged, sexually starved Twilight reading housewives.

Julie thanks Britney and sends her off to the jury house, the mention of which gives Britney reason to make one last amazing face:

Man, I'm going to miss her.

Bye, Britney!  You were mighty awesome, and without you the boredom levels would have been off the charts.  Good show, and hopefully we'll see you at All-Stars 2.

The commercials feature an extended three minute preview of Mike and Molly, which coupled with Britney's eviction makes me think that CBS has launched an elaborate, Rubicon-style plot against my life.  If I die tomorrow, look to Moonves.

Part One of the Final HOH competition is endurance, as usual.  The three Musket-zzzzzzzzzeers are hanging on ropes suspended over the yard.  You know what's going to happen:  Julie pun!  Ropes go flying!  Nozzles smack into walls at rapid speeds!  Enzo shouts a bunch and generally makes an ass out of himself.  We're supposed to think that the audience is laughing uproariously, but it's clearly a laugh track.

There is some entertainment in watching Enzo get slammed against a wall repeatedly.

After the commericals, Julie makes another pun and triggers a waterfall in the center of the yard.  It's riveting.  IS THIS SEASON OVER YET?

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MTV Is Bringing Us More Jersey 9 Sep 2010, 9:12 am

MTV just ordered more Jersey! They just announced that they've added a reunion special, and a behind-the-scenes special after the Miami season. Man, MTV is milking their ratings cash cow for everything it's worth, and I don't blame them! Jersey Shore is simply amazing. It's probably the one show on TV that I will try to catch in realtime every week.

I can't wait for the reunion special! I know it won't be dramatic like the Jersey Housewives reunion, but I'm sure it'll be just as explosive, and funny. I hope Snooks, and JWoww do a letter reenactment to Sammi a la Danielle mannequin style.

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Money Hungry: Treachery and Snakes! 9 Sep 2010, 6:00 am

Hey y'all!  Are you ready for this week's scheming and hollering and house-vote treachery?  There's a lot to laugh at, so enough with the introduction chit-chat, let's go!

Last week, the Family alliance nailed another Orphan team, sending Chicago Deep Dratch home.  The weigh-in (with no house vote) and subsequent dismissal of a hard-working team shocked a lot of us, I think.  And the Bouncers' refusal to award immunity to any one team pissed off several of the other teams, namely Team BFB and Team BBGG.

This week, we see the repercussions of that.

I immediately LOL as this week's episode opens.  You see, SOMEONE stuck BBGG's stupid microphone into a blender full of Jell-o, THEN hung it from an upper balcony so it was right at eye level when BBGG came waltzing around.  Oh, he was pissed, too, that BBGG.  BBGG seems to immediately know that it was Younger Pesci.  Sure enough, we see some washed out "in the past" footage of the Pescis setting everything up, as Italian stereotype music plays. (I'm kinda glad that no noose imagery was used, because that would be just too much.  Ya know?)   BBGG throws Jell-o at the Pescis as they walk away, cracking jokes about not being able to hear BBGG, that he should speak into the mic.  Ouch!

(What's the gray stuff on top?  Spooge? The ashes of other dead mics?)

The horror!

BBGG chases Penguin Tat into the house, shouting about how people think he's a joke, that he's a 'ho' (?).  (Did I hear that correctly?  And if I did, "huh??")  BBGG continues, spitting, "How am I supposed to bedazzle with a Jell-o-filled microphone?!"  Snowman Teachers are sitting nearby and they totally crack up.

Team BFB are chattin' away by the pool.   The Little One is bitchin' about how the Bouncers didn't care enough about them to give them the immunity last week.  I'm shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  Don't you see, dummies?  If they gave immunity to anyone, everyone else would have felt slighted.  They did the right thing by letting you answer for your own actions.  God, you'd think these people weren't actually motivated to lose weight or even win a reasonable sum of money.

Next, we get a montage of Team BBGG being big losers, which also means we get a montage of BBGG making that smushy face he makes, which looks like what I used to do when I was a kid and a lot nerdier and didn't want to push my glasses up with my hands--no, no, I'd rutch them back up by contorting my already hideous face into an even more hideous face.  Yeah, it's like that. Oh yeah, and he's complaining about how everyone's working hard and he doesn't want to.  "Fuck that, YOU work hard," he says, "What use is an alliance if, when you need the help the most, they don't give it to you."  So infuriating.

That face.

Pretty Stephanie sits there like a mute as BBGG continues, complaining about how powerless he feels in the house, how he's sick of being the underdog and sick of being the joke.  So, here is the genesis of the stupid Team BBGG flip scheme.  They'll start playing around with the Orphans, to fuck with the Family, JUST to get a sense of power.  (OR they'll actually manipulate votes.  We'll see.)  Later, he's going to pat himself on the back for controlling the house.  I'd like to pat his ass, hard, with something that stings. And not in a way that would inspire a boner.

BBGG heads right up to the Orphanage and tells the Pescis that, in exchange for sparing his team when it comes time to vote, they'll vote in line with whatever the Orphanage wants.  Snowman Teachers are involved in this conversation, too.  Once BBGG leaves, they all talk about how much they don't trust the guy, BUT they seem to be considering what he said. Basically, they'll wait to see how the challenge goes, and if they need his vote, they'll work with him. Pescis and Snowmen really want Penguin Tat GONE.

Also, we see Older Pesci shirtless, and he has got some serious prison tat stuff going on.  Is there any vision to anything on his body, or was it just, "That's cool, do it here" every time?  "I'm already ugly, just do it up!"

Scheming, sleeping, and pondering the next prison tat.

Challenge time!  It's at a football field, and it basically goes like this:  There are blocks for a big Money Hungry puzzle all bundled up in neat little cloth bags, spread out just so along the field.  Teams have to take turns running down-field to get the bags of puzzle-piece boxes.  Once all of the pieces are back at the home base, the teams can unwrap everything and start to set up the puzzle on a little table nearby.  It's a very Survivor challenge, except that it's easy.  It's not like there are rope bridges or mud pits or that they're even starving or living in some rat-infested hut.  Nope, just fat people running up and down a field and doing a puzzle.

The Cortayzee is rockin' the Chevron 70s t-shirt, and he explains that all the regular house vote rules apply again.  Man, this show just keeps changing the rules all the time.  I kind of like how it throws off any real strategy that may be going on in the house.  A) you never know if there's a house vote or not, and B) you never know what kind of physical challenge it's going to be.

SWAK!

Anyway, the challenge starts.   The Pescis are pretty physical (despite some bandy-legged running on the Older Pesci's part), so they're kicking ass.  The other teams are noticing, too.  Poi's proud of himself for being able to run now, when he could barely make it up the driveway the first day.  BBGG is flopsing down the field, thinner calves looking strange contrasted to much larger thighs.  Run, guys, run!

Also, Younger Pesci's lookin' like a Panda treat with that goatee.  Mrowr.  I mean, "Roar."  Pandas roar.

(This is what happens when I work on my recap way too late into the evening. )

Pescis are the first to finish the footrace part of the challenge, but BFB isn't far behind.  Now it's time to build puzzles.  Oh, it's cool, the rest of the teams are still struggling to run back and forth.  BBGG tells us that he's a puzzle champion, so once they get all these pieces back, he's going to kick everyone's ass.  Okay, dude, bring it.

BFB are getting their puzzle put together pretty quickly, and the Bouncers are really not getting it at ALL.  BBGG is yelling at Pretty Stephanie, and the Pescis are yelling at each other in their classic Pesci way. "Do I amuse you?!  Do I remind you of a CLOWN??!"  (I know, I really need to come up with more Pesci quotes.  What about something from "With Honor" or whatever that awful piece of garbage was?)

AND TEAM BFB WINS IT!!  Yay!  They start jumping up and down, chest-bumping and everything.  Penguin Tat's team was ALMOST there, but second place is the first loser.  Wuh woh.  Oh, and my favorite sound effect is used when they show BFB jumping up and down again, the slooooowed down, deeeeeep voice that makes them sound like A) Satan or B) someone in a witness protection program getting interviewed by Katie Couric.  I can't help but laugh, even though it's mean.

 

Now it's a scramble to not be LAST, cuz the last team to finish is the first team on the chopping block.  So far, Penguin Tat is safe, and so are the Pescis.  Eventually, Double Chocolate and Snowman Teachers are finished, so it's a race between BBGG and the Bouncers.  And, oh well, the Bouncers lose.  They're on the chopping block.

'Tis a shame.

The Bouncers know they have to really kick ass in the gym in order to stay.  Shouldn't be too hard for them, though, because they're pretty big guys.  They have that in their favor--just keep at it, guys.

Younger Pesci summons BBGG--they'd like him to vote their way this week, please.  It's time for Penguin Tat to go "bye bye" as Younger Pesci put it.  They also want to get BFB in on the plan, so they're four teams against the Family's...three.  (Right?  Penguin Tat, Bouncers, and Double Chocolate.  Yeah.)  Younger Pesci heads up to the gym to let the Snowman Teachers, hard at work on the ellipticals, what the plan is.  They question the trustworthiness of BBGG, and rightfully so, but it must be done.

Now, downstairs, Team BFB is cuddling up with the Pescis.  That is, Little One is on one couch, and BFB is snuggling on Older Pesci's Buddha belly.   Little One asks the Pescis this:  if they don't give THEM the immunity this week, but vote the way the Pescis want, would the Pescis still try to keep them in favor next week--or even give THEM the immunity if they need it?  "Sure!," Younger Pesci chirps.  Ah, loyalty, it was nice to know ya.  BFB rubs Older Pesci's belly harder and coos about him being her meatball, her spicy Italian sausage.  She seems a little more intent about the whole thing than Older Pesci is.  Hee hee.

"Rub a little lower, honey.  It's been a while, and a handjob is a handjob.  Stop it with the eye contact."

The Bouncers are checking in with their new trainer, Penguin Tat.  Remember, Penguin Tat is an expert at weight loss (clearly), so he's got all the good intel about calories, diet, exercise, and so on.  He brags about how his team's workouts are the hardest, that their diet is the strictest.  He critiques Poi's food journal, then offers to work up a new plan for them.  The Bouncers are like, "Cool, just tell us what to do," so they can zone out and just work on losing weight.  They admire Penguin Tat for his consistent losses so far.  FORESHADOWING.

Well, what was he doing wrong?  Too few calories, you said?  How MANY was too few?  C'mon!

(Can the viewers see ANYTHING about weight loss on this weight loss show?  Anything at all?  Brief speeches from nutritionists?  A concept of what's healthy eating and what isn't?  Who's having issues with food?  Who's having issues with the workouts?  WHAT are they doing up in the gym?  What is the strategy?  What are they learning, and what's not working?  Come on.  This really isn't a weight loss show.)

Ew, then there's a brief (thank God) montage of the Bouncers working out, with the same sound clip of them moaning and groaning playing over and over.  It sounds like sex, and it's gross.  That's one of my pet peeves at the gym, when men moan like they're busting loads all over the place.  Keep it to yourself.

Upstairs in the Orphanage, BBGG, BFB, Pescis, and Snowman Teachers are chillin', discussin' their treachery.  They all agree to get Penguin Tat out of the house NOW.  BBGG is very proud of himself for corrupting Little One, rightly noting that the whole scheme really wouldn't come back to him...that the shit would hit the BFB fan instead.  They all join pinkies in unity against the Penguin Tat.

Pretty Stephanie sits mutely as BBGG continues his plan, which is to let the Family know that he talked to the Orphans about the vote.  BBGG pulls Serj aside to sell Team BFB up the river, letting Serj know that a mutiny is about to happen.  BBGG is smart to cover his tracks like this, but it speaks to an evil--and, frankly, uncool--mind.  Like, I'm GLAD that I'm not this well-practiced in the art of lying and manipulation.  Jeez.

So then the Bouncers decide to feel out where Team BFB is.  They ask BFB and Little One about where their head's at for the vote, and Little One is pretty ambiguous.  Poi's trying to pin her down, saying, "Well, you're part of the saaaame alliance, right...?"  Little One won't make eye contact.  BFB has balls, though, and she asks, rhetorically, "Who has the highest percentages in the house...?"  The Bouncers are like, "Uh, the Pescis."  BFB is like, "...and?"  Oh, she nods when they say, "Penguin Tat."  Yep.  "But he's Family."  Shrug!  Oh snap, that's how it's gonna be.

Unfortunately, the Bouncers have no game when it comes to manipulation, which is why I like them.  But it's not gonna win them anything this week.  See, BFB's mind is made up, and BBGG is cheering for himself silently in the corner, crediting himself with this whole set-up.  Serj earnestly pleads, "Please don't do this.  I'll be upset."  BFB and Little One are like, "Whatevs."   Now the Bouncers are pissed.

They're upstairs, complainin', gettin' mad, and decide to clue Penguin Tat in on the plan.  Penguin Tat's like, "okay, BFB finally decided to join in the game play."  Then he sounds like a turbo-douche when he says, "But they apparently failed out of basic math."  See, he doesn't know that BBGG is also a traitor, so HIS basic math is uninformed and also wrong. They even talk about making sure BBGG is "solid" as they plan to vote out Snowman Teachers.  Bouncers and Penguin Tat believe BBGG is "solid."  (Feels like I'm talking about a poop.  A solid poop.  And BBGG, sir, you are no solid poop.)

In the confessional cam, Penguin Tat gets all tough-guy against Team BFB, saying, "You're only immune until Friday, girls.  Only until the next weigh-in.  You better hope and pray that you manage to get rid of me."  Oooh!  Them's fightin' words!

In the gym, Penguin Tat's playing trainer to the Bouncers, counseling them on heart rate management and nagging them to stretch after doing pushups.  There's some trash talk about the vote situation in the gym, but really, everyone's too sweaty to take seriously.  (That's just my opinion.  I'm over it.  Let's get to the weigh in already. I barely even want to recap the stupid votes for you.  ugh.)

I can't take that headband seriously.

Oh, wait, BBGG is in brag mode again, sittin' on an outdoor couch to share how awesome he is. He claims, "I run this house" with a sneer.  I sneer back.  Hate him.

Okay, voting time.  Gather 'round the couch, now.  Who, pray tell, is Team BFB giving immunity to?  Oh, to Team BBGG.  Excellent.  Goody Mo notes that this is troubling; though BBGG is technically a member of the Family alliance, it's suspect because the Family knows that BFB are defectors.  So, are BBGG and Pretty Stephanie defectors, too?

Voting time.  Apples get bitten.  Looks like Penguin Tat's gets bitten a lot.  Penguin Tat takes this time to dump on Snowman Teachers for being intellectually inferior when it comes to weight loss, because we all know that Penguin Tat reigns supreme as the lord and master of weight loss information and strategy.  Does he realize he sounds like an asshole?  I can see why everyone hates him.  Me, I think he's misguided and blinded by other motives to care what people he's competing against think.  And is maybe clueless.  Or is an asshole!  Who knows.

Time to weigh in.  BBGG is wearing a stupid full-arm glitter glove AND has his stupid microphone AND his stupid glasses.  More of the "I run this house" garbage.  Moving on.

Even his partner thinks he's ridic.

Team BFB goes first, since they're immune and all.  And they....gained five pounds this week.  Cool!  Good work, girls!  That'll win you the $100,000 really soon!  Actually, Little One lost a pound and BFB gained six.  Ya know, I get the water-loading concept and all, but gaining SIX pounds on a weight loss show is stupid.  Just stupid.  And stupid Team BBGG lost three pounds this week.  Whatever, at least your stupid ass didn't gain anything.

Now to the weigh-ins that matter this week.  Bouncers go first, since they finished last at the challenge.  And they....LOST 26 LBS!!  Holy shit!  Penguin Tat looks proud; Joes Pesci look nervous.  Despite this awesomeness, Bouncers are still technically on the chopping block, at least until another team weighs in and craps out.

Next up is Double Chocolate, who lost two pounds.  Not good, but hopefully better next week.  Now it's time for the Pescis, who are worried about the vote but not about the result of the weigh-in.  And they...lost nine pounds.  Not bad.  And they're safe from the vote, too.  So now it's down to Snowman Teachers and Penguin Tat/Goody Mo.

Snowman Teachers lost seven pounds, and if they're the other team voted onto the chopping block, they're going home.  I mean, the Bouncers killed it this week.  Well, they were the team voted in this week.  Before goodbyes are said, Cortayzee turns to Penguin Tat and asks, "Are you surprised by this?"  Penguin Tat isn't.  "Would you be surprised if you heard that you had votes, too?"  Penguin Tat wouldn't be.  "Well, there was a tie."  Bouncers--and Penguin Tat--are stunned.

So, the Bouncers are safe. It's now a duke-out between Penguin Tat and Snowmen Teachers.  Team Lame-Ass Not-Shamu-But-a-Dumb-Penguin Tat and his Pilgrim Partner, Goody Mo, are going home.  They only lost TWO pounds this week.  Niiiiice goin', Penguin Tat.  Good work.

Pescis immediately celebrate, and the Bouncers look so sad.  Snowmen Teachers have the class to not bounce around with glee, considering they, too, wanted Penguin Tat gone from day one.  Well, after Not Cher, I mean.

Second funniest picture of this recap

Penguin Tat heads over to hug people goodbye.  He aims for the Snowmen first, and while he goes in for a genuine group hug, they both turn their heads away.  Ah, body language.  Goody Mo gets more genuine hugs from everyone else.  Poi clings to Penguin Tat and assures him that they'll take out the Orphanage in retaliation.

And in his goodbye interview, Penguin Tat's bawling and sniffling, and Goody Mo is standing by, laughing.  It's too much!

Funniest pic of the episode!!!

BBGG is bragging again about how awesome he is, and the Bouncers are livid.  Poi tells Serj to "be cool" as they leave the weigh in.  "It's gonna be hard for me," Serj replies.  BBGG makes that stupid scrunchy face.

Next week! The challenge is at the Rose Bowl, and it's something to do with carrying things up stadium steps.  The theme of the week also seems to be "distrust."  The other teams really can't trust BBGG, and it seems they can't stand him, either.  So, the helpful Pescis invoke the landlord terminology we love, saying that someone's getting evicted, "Cuz rent's due, bitch."  Ooooh.  Talk dirty to me.

So, what'd you think?  Anyone getting your dander up like mine?  Anyone you want to bang?  Any personality advice for any of the contestants?  Are you even watching?  Tell us in the comments!

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Leftovers 8 Sep 2010, 6:59 pm

- 15 movie beards that make the movie. Yes PLEASE! (via the all new Nextmovie)

- Looks like your sixteen year old sister is not the only person trolling Facebook for dates. Super celeb Cher is on the prowl. Line up man meat. (via E!)

-Gleeks enjoy this photo gallery of the season two premiere party and wipe the drool off the screen when you are done. (via TV.com)

-Can't wait for the new season of the RW/RR Challenge? Well then check out one of the cast members online show: The Chet Cannon Show. First topic: Fake Lesbians.

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Snooki Is Free 8 Sep 2010, 4:00 pm

The judge let Snooki off! She was in court today facing three charges: disorderly conduct, being a public nuisance, and criminally annoying others. Snooki told the judge, "I would definitely like to apologize to the Seaside cops, when I saw what happened and everyone told me what happened, I was very embarrassed...This was not like me and I've never been in this situation before."

Anyway, the charges were dropped, and she was ordered to pay a find of $500, and has to serve two days of community service at the local animal control. But really she only has to serve one day because she already volunteered at the zoo. Those poor animals, they must have been like, "What specie are you? Who sent you? And, weren't you charged with being annoying? Then leave us alone."

Snooki tweeted:

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Teen Mom: Adult Moms Suck 8 Sep 2010, 2:12 pm

Nerdia is away on vacation this week, and I jumped at the chance to take a look at Teen Mom. I've never seen it, but I know what it was like being fat in high school and sleeping with random football players to pass the time, so I figured I would be perfect for a sub. My first thought is wow. I need to watch MTV more often.

Gay teens! Stoner teens! Teens with really bad teeth and drips of snot coming out at random moments!

I'm excited and the show hasn't even started. Was I ever that young? Were my teeth ever that...no. But I did have hair once, so I'm kinda relating. Previously on Teen Mom, lots of white trash moms who never should have had kids in the first place were mean to their kids who are having kids and shouldn't be having kids in the first place. You know who should have kids? Rich people with super patient nannies. Otherwise? You're ruining someone's life.

Amber is feeling down "ever since I failed my GED practice test?" I have a feeling she got points off for putting question marks at the end of every answer.

I passed my SIT test with flying colors though?

 

Chunky guys. Wonder what you need to do to get a girlfriend? Learn to make pancakes. It's seriously as simple as that.

It's Amber's birthday! Her one wish is to make it another night without being suffocated.

Not gonna happen.

Are you sometimes not sure if you should have had a baby? Just don't strap it into its high chair and cross your fingers it will take a dive.

Some people might call this neglect. Others would call it playing the odds.

Amber gets a call from a friend wishing her happy bday. She says "you just get older from 18 on, man." Deep. Amber says she feels thirty, like that's a bad thing. Ah, youth. You might feel so tired because your fiance keeps feeding you triple decker butter sandwiches.

Amber's gonna go dancing with her friends later, and fiance guys says that he'll watch the kid. Um, thanks? Why are you acting like that's such a huge favor? If I was Amber I would spend all day screaming "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" What's the point of popping out a kid at sixteen if you can't use it as a bargaining chip for the rest of your life? She complains that there's too much butter on the pancakes. And then she feeds it to the kid.

It's poison. Shut up and love it. Your heart will stop soon and I can stop listening to your fuckin whining.

 

Let's see what a girl named Farrah is up to! She tells us that she gets no help from her parents so she's stuck taking care of her own brat. This is the time for Farrah to learn that most of us hate our parents. But we still need money. So we FAKE IT! Put your pride away, say you're sorry, and get money for a babysitter or something. She takes her kid to the doctor, and then goes to the County Prosecutor. Her mom has finished her counseling, paid her fine, and is all done. Uhoh. Drug counseling? Alcohol? I don't know but it doesn't sound good. Farrah is pretty defensive and doesn't believe her mom is better so fast. The counselor tells her that if she wants her mom to have a relationship with her kid she's gonna have to stop being so stubborn. What kind of counsellor would even suggest a relationship between a baby and a drug addict? If that's what the mom is. I don't know. If she is, though, bad counsellor. As if sensing I don't know the problem here, MTV puts up a graphic to explain it to me very clearly.

Grandma has offensively low boobs.

Maci is our next girl. She tells us that she shares custody of her brat with her ex fiancee Ryan. Let's see what he's up to! Besides being hot.

Mom stop talking to me while I'm being hot for the cameras.

Rayn's parents are hounding him to get in writing that Maci will share custody more along the fifty fifty lines. Ryan looks thrilled at this prospect.

Can we wait til the kid stops pooping in his pants? I really hate that.

It's time to take the brat back to Maci, so Ryan goes into his bedroom to fetch his current girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with these parents? Didn't you learn anything the first time? Get that skank out of his bed! I know it's not the fifties, but if your kid has a problem with sucking don't hand him a box of lollipops.

This girlfriend chick is acting a little too motherly for my taste. Get your own mistake, wench! She gives Ryan shit in the car about hounding Maci for equal custody. He just drives and keeps sucking. Finally, he says that he doesn't wanna argue with Maci. That sounds like perfect husband material. Look hot and don't do anything to make me mad. In the end, he just asks for one more day. Maci says they'll talk about it, but he's not gonna be happy when he finds out she's moving to Nashville.

Next up, let's watch Catelynn's friend Alexa try to get into a car!

Maybe Crisco her up a little.

Come on! You can do it!

OK now you're cracking the windshield.

You did it! All we had to do was remove the back seat.

Now hold your breath until we get there.

Catelynn needs a dress for prom. The toilet in the girl's room is the perfect place to drop her next kid. Where's the best place to go for a classy dress? YES! Dress Barn! They have terrible security there. Alexa's stealing all kinds of shit.

Take the mannequin out of your purse, Alexa.

Now let's take a moment to check out a model of great parenting.

You look like a meth head. What's your point MOM?!

Cate complains that she's a nine now and before she got knocked up she was a size three! Her mom says "that's what happens when you have kids." Alexa smiles politely and tries to find a quiet moment to slip some more melted butter into Cate's milkshake.

Skinny bitch.

Cate finds a red dress she likes, but her meth head mom just snarks about how ugly it is like a fucking three year old. This is my problem with social services and most government beauracracies: THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. If that agency was worth a damn they would have taken Cate away years ago and put the mom down like a horse with a broken ankle.

There should be a bottle of glue with your name on it, skank.

 

Catelynn starts crying. AW! Witch mom rolls her eyes, licks her brown teeth, and plops down on a couch to send someone a text with a stylus. WTF? She snarks a little more, then stamps her feet and storms off with a "I'm sick of this shit." Thanks for giving mom her excuse of the day to indulge in meth, Cate! Cate tells Alexa that her mom is so evil because she's mad Cate is putting her kid up for adoption. Well Cate you're almost old enough to be on your own and who is she supposed to abuse now? You selfish brat!

Farrah? Has no help. And she's exhausted! Does she say that like ten times a week? Cuz it's already number four for this episode. Her friend Kristina comes over to help get piss stains off the couch.

Can we just burn this?

Parents: plastic furniture. Otherwise you will just resent your children and sit around in piss. Kristina asks about the mom situation, and Farrah says that there's no way her mom is just suddenly better and if she goes to counseling with her it will only be to get to the bottom of why her own kid has a green disease on her face.

Let's talk about the gene pool and then I want you outta my life for good.

Maci goes to her friend's job to complain about the whole Ryan wanting equal custody thing. The friend is super supportive as she listens to Maci go on about what a loser Ryan is. Meanwhile, tables are without food. Stupid Maci. People are hungry!

I didn't punch out or anything. Uhhuh. I'm listening. Damn I forgot to marry the ketchup bottles. Uhuh mmhmmm Ryan. Dammit I need to cut lemons and roll silver or I'm never getting out of this dump.

Maci works and goes to school and doesn't have much time for the baby, and this is somehow an argument against Ryan getting more time with him. Ryan doesn't even seem that excited about it. I think this is a battle between the grandparents. Who gets more time with the kid? Maci's mom or Ryan's parents? The conversation moves to Nashville. How can you just up and move when you're sharing custody? Maci says that Ryan has to pay less child support the fewer days she has with the brat. So if he took him off your hands an extra day he would have to pay more? First off, how does that make sense and second, why is that a problem? Get rid of the kid for an extra day and get some shopping money. I know the situation's not ideal, but the kid was made out of hot guy sperm and there's no getting away from it.

Catelynn got her prom dress and now they have to go find her fiance a tux. She tells us that shopping's hell with her mom, who's been in a shitty mood since Butch went to rehab. This show couldn't be more white trash if it was set in a Cracker Barrel.

Meth Mom shouts at poor Alexa and then screams that "you're both fuckin rude!" She keeps shouting about what ignorant bitches the kids are. Why are people so afraid of suicide? If you're that miserable just fucking JUMP ALREADY. What a bitch.

Dear God, please stop handing out ovaries like party favors. Love, Flipit

Meth Mom calls Cate bitch a few times and tells her fuck you over and over again. She drops her off to meet her boyfriend and it's not hard to see why Cate is dating a fifth grader.

My childhood's ruined. Can I cling to yours?

 

She complains to him about how she was so angry with her mom she could have punched her. Well, someone should. Poor Alexa just looks like she wants a new friend. Finally, Alexa says that Meth Mom is just jealous because of how happy Cate is after giving up her kid. Alexa doesn't talk much but when she does it's with some serious wisdom. This shuts Cate and fiance up. Alexa chomps down on a double Whopper and smiles knowingly.

Amber's bfriend is looking for a gift for Amber. How bout you just find someone to take the GED for her? Or, I dunno. GET A JOB?!? He gets her a pink blanket and a teddy bear. How did this idiot ever get laid?

Ryan has dinner at a Mexican place with his friends and they talk about his custody issue. He thinks he's just kept from the kid to annoy him and he's paid 80,000 in child support. You mean your parents have spent 80,000 dollars in child support. This guy can't possibly have a job. He can't even say more than two words at a time. His girlfriend, who is now definitely wanting to be that baby mama, thinks the whole thing is unfair. Especially when she learns that legally, Maci can move up to five hours away. Snapple, court system! His friends want him to be outraged, but he's having a blankfaced salsa binge.

After a long puase, he says this might be worth taking to the court. I think he might mean tennis, but no one asks.

Farrah tells us that she is gonna try to work it out with her mom. She calls her, and her mom sounds all nice and says she misses her. Farrah's like yeah thanks for calling. Mom says that she left a message and Farrah just didn't get it. Mmhm. Farrah invites her to therapy and the mom tries to come up with an excuse to not go but "I'm wasted" isn't acceptable at the moment so she agrees.

Ryan goes to see a lawyer. Is he sure the kid's his? Damn, buddy! Ryan says yes the kids his, and the lawyer's like "sure you don't want a DNA test?" HAHAH lawyers are such dicks. He tells Ryan that the only way to stop Maci from moving to Nashville is to bring some kind of suit against her. So let's file one! No, Ryan doesn't have a job, but his parents do! Let's spend some serious cash fighting for a kid Ryan's not even making the SLIGHTEST effort to support. This is fucking disgusting.

Wayell, we could kill er. Er we could sue er fer somethin. She keep any of your boardgames in the split? Let's sue er over Clue. That'll be ten thousand smackers k? Have yur daddy cawl meh.

Farrah's mom shows up at counseling and Farrah tries to not stab her while she plays with the kid. Counselor takes them into the office and Farrah says she's there to make her mom and daughter relationship not suck. Debra, with complete dead face, says she wants her kid to be happy. Farrah says she is getting there, but no one buys it.

What about this face says unhappy?!?

Debra says that they used to be best friends. Farrah's like "um no we weren't". She gets mad and bitchily says her mom shouldn't be crying if she wants to be best friends. I don't know what that means, but the mom really must have messed up. To show Farrah she loves her, Debra: (loooong pause) prays for her. Oh lord. You know what would be better? Being a decent mom. Or calling her. Or helping put her through school. Waste of life. Farrah says this is all bullshit and she's not gonna enjoy her mom's company. Counselor tells her to STFU and stop being a brat. She's the one who invited her mom here and she's gonna have to make some changes too. She suggests hanging out together. Debra looks in the couch cushions for dropped pills. It's obvs Farrah still clings to the idea of a good mom. But wishing does not a good mom make. Dump the bitch and concentrate on not becoming her.

Catelynn and her boyfriend walk the dogs while Cate talks about feeling fat. Fiance's like "yeah but you had a baby". No. You're supposed to say "you're not fat. Let's get something to eat." It's difficult teaching people how to romance girls. The conversation moves onto mom, and he says "she's never forgaven you." Is it too late to give him up for adoption, too?

Amber says that her fiance is being so sweet to take care of the kid and it's weird cuz he usually gets jealous when she goes out without him. There are plenty of whales in the sea, you know. Then we find out why he gets jealous.

Toxic Fat Friend

Toxic Fat Friend tells him it's his right to see his woman on her birthday and by offering to babysit he's being a little bitch. Be a man and tell her NO. I'm just guessing here, but something tells me Toxic Fat Friend will be single forever.

Gary calls Amber and starts his manly jealous act. When you leaving? Where you going? He gives her attitude so she hangs up on him. He calls back and yells at her. He says he's not getting her a cake and she can get a babysitter. Fucking idiot. Hope you have fun with your real wife.

Misery loves company.

And so do triple D man boobs.

The baby cries while Amber shrieks about having to get a fucking babysitter. First, get a get a boyfriend that can fit in a plane seat. It will be easier for him to get a job then. Then, buy a box of condoms. Then, tie your tubes just in case. Then, start taking Plan B as a morning supplement. You can never be too careful. I am not just trying to help you. I am trying to help the world. There are genes that just don't need to multiply.

Farrah decides to follow her counselor's advice and meet her mom for coffee. After some of the most annoying baby talk ever, Debra asks Farrah how she likes living alone. Farrah says that she just works and goes to school and studies. Debra says that Sophia needs someone to teach her stuff and she can watch her if Farrah will trust her. Then she drops the baby on the floor and pulls a box of chardonnay out of her purse. Still, Farrah agrees. At least it wasn't heroin.

Amber can't believe her fat fuck idiot boyfriend is f ing her over on her bday. She goes to the bedroom to talk to him while her friends talk about how they always thought Amber was the bitch but now see why. LOL. She yells at him and breaks up with him. HAHAHAHHA!! Atta girl.

At least I have my Toxic Fat Friend...



I can't wait to use that giant underarm as a night cap.

 

Guess what Toxic suggests? Going to his house! Toxic says Gary's just gonna be a pussy and go watch the baby, which he does. And he brings a cake home too. It's half eaten, but still. He says sorry and Amber hugs him like a dead fish. Gary helps her blow out the trick candles with a mouth full of spit. Well that's one way to be sure you'll get the other half of the cake you fat fuck.

Ryan plays with his kid, and when Maci shows up he hands her some papers from the lawyers. He yawns during every sentence he speaks. He is taking her to court to get equal custody, and when she tries to ask what he's up to he just yawns. So basically this show is about how men have no brains and do everything the people around them tell them too. Men? We're not really coming off great here. I hope in court Maci is strong enough to mention that her idiot ex has no job or plan of ever having one and yawns during sentences. This show is seriously pissing me off.

Guess what Ryan does while his parents try to talk to him? He shoves his face full of food and says two words at a time. Maci is def gonna move, and mom is glad that they started legal fights for the next sixteen years. Listen grandma, you had your chance to raise a kid and you FUCKED IT UP ROYALLY. Back off and live your own life. Maci is in the car crying to her mom about how lazy and ridiculous Ryan is, and her mom says she's working hard and Ryan's a lump of crap and there's no judge in the world that will give him custody. A good mom on this show? I don't believe it. That's why they don't show her that much.

Catelynn gets her hair did for prom while her fiance comes on to himself in the mirror.

Sure, Cate's mom is a c word, but she showed up to take prom pictures! And with such a pretty smile!

Fuck all y'all.

Meth Mom totally reminds me of this sketch:

Cate comes out looking pretty and her mom refuses to compliment her. She doesn't call her a homely slag though, so I think that's progress. Cate and Fifth Grad party like pros and they win Prom King and Queen! AW. They are really cute. I like Cate, if only cuz I HATE her mother. They celebrate like any red blooded American kids would.

Let's make a baby.

 

Wow. What a show. I am hooked on this shit now. Thanks a lot, Nerdia! Thanks for putting up with me this week guys! Nerds will be back next time! xo

PS - Wear a condom.

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TV Patrol: The CW’s New Tonight! 8 Sep 2010, 1:02 pm

Here we go! The CW is starting it's new fall season tonight. The new series Hellcats premieres at 9pm. It sticks with the winning formula the CW has promoted over the past few years, catering to the younger Tween crowd. This show is all about cheerleading & not just the "go team" part, but the true competitive, down & dirty part of the sport... yes it IS a sport! High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale is part of the cast, but not its star.... Alyson Michalka is. She plays a down & out college student who's lost her financial aid & is looking for ways to stay in college. A cheerleading scholarship is just the ticket, but she hates cheerleaders & everything they stand for.... (could this be CW's attempt at a Glee clone?) thus it begins.

Cycle 15 of America's Next Top Model begins tonight at 8pm. The controversy over 6'2" model Anna's tiny waist (Judge J Alexander could circle it with his hands) has subsided abit, but everyone is wondering how Tyra Banks will handle the situation on the opening episode. Designer Cynthia Rowley will have the 32 wanna-bees wear her collection & ultimately pick the 14 who will compete for this year's prizes.... which are a fashion spread in Italian Vogue magazine (not "Seventeen" this year), the cover of "Beauty in Vogue" magazine, a contract with IMG Modeling Agency & Cover Girl Make-up plus $100,000. Tyra promises "high fashion". Let the catwalk/cat fights begin!

FX has a new series premiering tonight at 10pm. Terriers is all about an ex-cop & his buddy going into the private investigating business without a license. Neither one likes trouble or taking responsibility for what they do to solve crimes. From the creators of Ocean Eleven & the producers of The Shield, this show has enough humor & also plenty of the action FX is famous for to make it "must see" TV. Donal Logue (ER & Grounded for Life) & Michael Raymond-James (True Blood) are the stars who we all end up rooting for as they find more trouble than criminals, all to the chagrin of local law enforcement. Kinda sounds like a buddy-style Rockford Files, which I hear is getting a remake too.

Don't forget... tonight is part #1 of the season finale of Top Chef: D.C. on Bravo at 1opm. The remaining chefs are flown off to Singapore for their next culinary challenge. Be sure to look for J-Mo's recap of the whole event.

America's Got Talent (NBC 9pm) will give us the final four results from America's voting. To fill in the whole hour they have guest appearances by Sarah McLachlan (she sings that sad, sad animal abuse commercial song) & the cast of the American Idol stage show.

Big Brother 12 (CBS 8pm) will try to make us believe their show is LIVE tonight with the the eviction of another houseguest & the first of a 3-part Head of Household competition with the final 3. The results & part #2 of the HOH competition WILL be LIVE tomorrow night.

What more can you ask for? Well, I'll tell ya....Cat Ladies (Animal Planet 10pm) is all about those lovable old ladies with more cats than anyone can imagine. Wonder why they didn't call me?

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It’s Official: Piers Morgan Is Taking Over 8 Sep 2010, 12:30 pm

I'm smart, just listen to my accent

It's official! Piers Morgan is set to takeover Larry King Live starting January 2011. What will Larry do next? He's been hosting his show since 1985, which is completely insane, and loyal. CNN-US President Jon Klein said, "Piers has made his name posing tough questions to public figures, holding them accountable for their words and deeds...He is able to look at all aspects of the news with style and humor with an occasional good laugh in the process."

CNN has yet to name the new talk show, but I'd laugh my ass off if they kept it the same with a few tweaks for brand recognition...something like: Larry King Live featuring America's Got Talent's, Piers Morgan.

When they first announced this rumor, I was like, wahhhh? The dude from America's Got Talent? But after hearing Simon Cowell speak so highly of him, and call him the best interviewer, I have to say I'll give him a shot. Simon's usually right about most things when it comes to talent. Piers better be on point in January, he's got some big suspenders to fill.

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About Last Night: Flipping Out 8 Sep 2010, 11:00 am

About Last Night: Flipping Out

This is our fifth episode of the new season, and it best encapsulates the main challenge Jeff is facing this year. He wants to build off his earlier successes, and expand his business, but he's finding out that requires a different skill set than the one he's relied on so far. This week has Jeff heading to New York City for two jobs. One is to take a look at a trendy Brooklyn condo that might be worth flipping. But the other job is a wee bit more important: House Beautiful magazine has selected Jeff to design their 2010 kitchen of the year. Which they will then build. Life-size. AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER.

So, you know, pressure.

Jeff thought this was only going to be an informal meeting for him to outline his ideas, but he discovers the editors of House Beautiful have decided to throw a few wrenches into the mix. First, Jeff’s kitchen will be on display for much longer than he previously thought. And second, right after the current meeting, they'd like Jeff to go upstairs and give a demonstration for the people who are going to help him design and build the kitchen--people with crazy titles like National Flooring Czar, so in other words, swaying them is going to be a bit harder than swaying, say, one overworked UTA agent who's never home. It’s basically a pop quiz, only way bigger so…pop Bar Exam? They go upstairs to the packed penthouse conference room, Jeff takes his seat, he flounders a bit, but eventually he pulls himself together and gives a kick ass demonstration.

And along with finding new business opportunities in high-pressure environments, Jeff's success means he can't be everywhere at once. While Jeff is in New York, Sarah stays behind to run the ship. Her main duty is overseeing interior demolition at the Royal Woods property, (the one with the young couple and the infant). Jeff was very anxious about having no control over this, which made the homeowner Tracey anxious, and they set it up to look like Sarah would be fucking things up and maybe get fired...but once she actually gets down to work, she’s fine. She even feels empowered without Jeff’s hovering, micromanaging presence.

The trip to New York is also an opportunity to give Zoila an awesome birthday gift, as he’s decided to bring her along for a mini vacation. As Jeff and Jenni take care of their tasks, Zoila gets a pretty awesome New York experience, including shopping at Bloomingdale’s, sightseeing, hanging out in cafes, and just soaking up the ambience and change of pace. The trip concludes with Jeff taking Jenni and Zoila out to dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant. Jeff has one more plan to present this trip…when he has his baby, (in a couple years), he wants Zoila to help take care of it. It's a nice counterpoint to the typical day-to-day grind at Jeff Lewis Designs, because here we see how much they really do care about each other, and how they're really quite happy with their lives.

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Trailer Trash Fall Preview: Mike & Molly 8 Sep 2010, 10:06 am

***Over the next couple of weeks, the TVgasm crew will be bringing you Special Edition Fall Preview Trailer Trashes of upcoming premieres. We're kicking things off with Mike and Molly!

PottyMouth: He’s a fat cop, she’s a fat teacher.  He has a non-threateningly funny black man as his partner, she lives with her mom and sister.  I guess having her live alone with her eight cats would be too realistic.

Chance of Success: CBS loves it’s stupid comedies, so this one will make it through at least a couple seasons.  Or until the characters are grandparents.

Hot girls eating cake. To thin people, this is a bad sitcom. To fat people, this is good porn.

Bbitz: If I wanted to watch fat people in love I'd watch reruns of "Family Matters".

Chance of Success: 65%

Flipit: This show is tricky and evil. At first you think you should all take a moment and thank Hollywood for giving fat people some money this Fall. It's about time you greedy skeletons! Unfortunately, this show looks terrible, so said fat people will most likely be hitting the unemployment lines soon. Which will lead to depression. Which will lead to more fatness. Which will lead to even less work. Way to keep fat people in their place, Hollywood!
Chance of Success: There have been over 15 million KFC Double Downs sold. If even half of the fat bastards who bought those sandwiches watches this, it will be the biggest sitcom on TV.

In 2010, fat child actor unemployment shrunk...for a second.

Monamonzano: Fat People on TV? That's worse than...nothing.

Chance of Success: Lots. Fat people love to escape their cruel Indiana existences and watch other fat people on tv.

HoneyGangsta: It looks like Mike has spent too many shifts at the donut shop. Casting this guy as a cop makes me very nervous about sitcom public safety.

Chance of Success: 10%

St. Claire of Assisi: Thoughts: I'm eagerly anticipating the rumored "fat camp" episode.  It'll be a transparent ripoff of Hogan's Heroes, except with nutritionists instead of Nazis.  Equally bumbling, though.

Chance of Success: 0% + a 740,000% boost from Chuck Lorre.

SexyPanda: Well, Molly's wearing a shirt I recently bought at Macy's.  It looks better on her, and I'm the one who's lost 120 lbs.  Sad trombone.  Otherwise, we need a fat person's sitcom to fill the gaping hole Roseanne and King of Queens left.  And it looks sweet.

Chance of Success:   60%

Cherie: Gee a bunch of fat fuckers. I can look at my family for that.

Chance of Success: I predict 85% chance of making it. America loves fat fuckers.

There were about two seconds in this preview that fat wasn't mentioned. Thankfully, they made up for that glaring error with this shot. Do NOT stand near this man while he's waving. You'll break your nose.

Mike & Molly premieres Sept 20 on ABC

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